It’s those moments of serene joy, spent by yourself and without anyone’s watch, that remind you how wonderful it is to be at home within one’s self.
The older I get, the more my childhood fascinations haunt me. My beloved ghosts in the machine, I call them. While I may not always be thinking about them, I can feel the weight of their existence — long-lost friends you think you’ve outgrown, but whose presence lingers in the back of your mind.
Instead of rekindling my relationships with these childhood avocations, I focus on preoccupying myself with the drudgery of being a grown-up, leaving them ignored and unattended for the most part.
Adulthood can have its way of keeping you too exhausted to do more than just survive. It has its way of hindering you from sustaining nourishing pursuits that have no monetary return.
Enter the inevitable season of adulthood, a game you’re supposed to be an expert on despite nobody telling you its rules.
It does have its perks, but my goodness, does it have its impediments.
Abiding by the reality of living paycheck to paycheck. Grasping for time with friends and family beyond a 9-5, leaving meager time for yourself. Spending time on things you thought mattered. Spending too much on things you thought would bring you lasting joy.
Burning bridges, mending relationships, opening yourself up to new experiences, only to have your heart broken. Again and again. Trying again.
The endless pursuit of trying again.
And yet, there are rays of light that flash between the cracks. Amid the drudgery of adulthood, it catches you when you least expect it: that unmistakable spark. Only you can tell when it hits you, only you can acknowledge it as it is: a newfound love affair between you and an act of doing.
If not a newfound love affair, it’s the one that got away — or so you thought.
You might feel this jolt of electricity in your first pottery class, visiting an art gallery or museum, or catching a film on your own. It could be dressing up in a fashion that’s unlike what you’re used to, whipping up new recipes in the kitchen, or listening to a new artist whose music strikes your heartstrings in the most exquisite way. You might feel it when you move your body intentionally, like trying a new sport or getting back to an old one.
Oftentimes this spark is conjured while doing something creative — which is manifesting a thing into perceptible existence from your vision and body.
Painting on a pristine canvas, typing on a blank document, strumming that guitar, picking up that mic again.
You as the artist, the world’s objects as your medium.
What premeditates these moments of eureka is allowing yourself to be in a flow state — permitting yourself to gravitate towards things that pique curiosity or interest.
This precious spark, this distinct fire, can also be felt while engaging in sacred pastimes.
I was the biggest cat girl in my pre-teen years. I owned several cat-related books that displayed different breeds, their behavior, and how to take care of them. But alas, due to my sister’s allergies and the stringent no-pets-allowed rules of our family’s townhouse, owning a cat was out of the question.
More than a decade later, at the onset of the pandemic in 2020, I found myself inclined to volunteer for animal groups. In a period of isolation from family and friends, I sought the company of community cats.
Being a volunteer feeder for them gave me a routine to look forward to. I’ll go so far as to say that volunteering for cats healed my inner child. After two years of feeding community cats, my husband and I took it a step further by moving to another apartment, a pet-friendly one unlike our previous residence, to be able to foster cats that need adoptive homes.
It has been one of the best and most fulfilling decisions we’ve made in our lives.
Other pastimes that lead me to this insatiable flow state include reading books, taking myself out for coffee, surrounding myself in green spaces, and exploring new cities. Pursuits of leisure that make life delightful and make me forget that clocks exist.
As I allow myself to be captivated by my inclinations, I uncover aspects of myself that I previously denied. On this freeing road of self-discovery, I explore my thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment.
More than walls, a roof above my head, and being surrounded by those dear to me, home is about being anchored in myself through the unpredictable currents of life.
It’s about realizing a sense of shelter within yourself, where you grant yourself permission to feel, do, and be.
What are the things that light you up? What are some of your childhood interests that you’ve been suppressing and have been meaning to get back to? Are there activities that you’re excited to do or curious to try?
May you embrace what made you happy in your childhood and unearth new avenues in which you thrive. May you acquiesce to them and let them paint your life with vivid and more radiant colors.
✧˚ · .
To opening doors (within the home of yourself),
Danna